Carol Nelson Independent Authors Forum

Vidal Sassoon is a Fuckin’ Liar

Vidal Sassoon Smirk Carol Nelson FalconeLet’s face it — we all age — we all turn gray. The vanity in us tries to fight the inevitable and in an effort to stay young we turn to hair dye. I personally like to go dye my own locks because whenever I try to get a professional dye job they fuck it up so bad I resemble Don King. Typically after screwing up the first time they try to correct it and dye it three more times, #messedupshit , and I wind up leaving after five hours with three hairs left on my head like crispy bacon.

I have to say though, that Lady Clairol saved my butt when I was out in L.A. My sister took me to this famous hair dresser, “Pierre”, that does the likes of Heather Locklear and Lindsay Lohan. I explained to the guy that I wanted blonde highlights but with one thin streak of red in the front. My sister went next door for a croissant and coffee and by the time she came back the job was just about done. I stared at the train wreck in the mirror with the whole front of my head dyed to a bright fuchsia. I looked like a troll doll!! My sister spit out her croissant in little chunks all over this hot pink horror show. “I can’t let you leave looking like that,” she hysterically laughed. She tells Pierre it looks horrible which offends him and he wasn’t so gentle during the second dying. The end result was a disaster to say the least with me and my sister in tears. On the way home we stopped at Rite-Aid and got a box of Lady Clairol doing it a third time that night. It came out exactly how I tried to explain it to Pierre and it only cost $6 bucks! That and the $200 I blew at Pierre’s’ made it a total of $206 bucks. Oy! Read more

Carol Nelson Independent Authors Forum

The Water Pistol Fight of the Century

smirk water fight Carol NelsonWhen was the last time you had a good old fashioned water fight out on the front lawn?  A hot day, good food, friends and family all around and somebody suddenly decides it’s a good idea to throw a bucket of water on someone.  Well that requires retaliation of course and before you know it the hose comes out and it’s every man for himself.

Everyone has some sort of water device preference it seems be it a water balloon, your average small squirt gun, those long plastic syringe type thingy’s from the dollar store, a simple hose & sprayer to your major soakers that could pass for Rambo’s weapon of choice.  Recently I was invited to climb into this child’s world of water play and had a “blast”. Read more

Carol Nelson Independent Authors Forum

The Kids found my Vibrator at the Laundromat

Smirk Carol Nelson vibrator storySo I was watching one of the morning shows as they were interviewing some hot new humor writer that was whoring out her “fabulous” new mommy book on the trials and tribulations of being a mom with only two nannies and how she juggles it all.  Don’t  ya’ just love it when some rich bitch with nothin’ to say, decides on a whim to try to write because she’s bored of being a trophy wife?  {simmer}  Nooooooo….. I’m not bitter that I’m an unemployed single mom with a Masters degree selling her own humor book out of the car trunk like they were fake Coach bags.

Okay, so one of the topics this chick mentioned was regarding how funny it was when her son found her vibrator in the bed one day.  Yup.  It pretty much happens a helluva’ lot to all us mothers at some point since the first thing you learn about your darlings is that they get into all kinds of shit from the moment they can crawl. Read more